i am a ruin
behind me burns the fire
i've lit with my own heart
i feel nothing
and everything
and i know that this will pass
like water
like time

like life.

i choke on my shame
drowning in it
blood fills my mouth
as i bite down on my wayward tongue.
i am worth more than this
the indifference.

i burn this shell
the weakness that has been exposed.



within the silence
i know this kingdom.
its cold archipelagoes
and bright stones
it fills my whole consciousness
with strange communion
and a deep assurance of broken wings.
if only we could forget.
forget me
i am transient


i am not
the ocean.
or maybe i am.
beneath these waves
are a thousand currents
and eddies
tides like landslides
against which you cannot stand.

this is not my fault.
i cannot be anything but what i am
i cannot be less salt
less undertow
less riptide
less deep.
i cannot undrown you.



I can be
over it all
very quickly:

make me angry.


low tide.

he says
"you are wild"
he says
"you are the ocean.
your currents pull me under
and I cannot breathe"
but he smiles as he says it
and he says
"I want to drown in you."

I have let my heart break
over things unreal
things unknown
taking blame into myself
until it becomes poison
killing me
tearing me apart.

control is weakness
I want symbiosis
I want truth.

I am real
but not to you.



hope still lives in me
a bright little knot in my chest
an ember.

but that is not truth.
there is nothing there.



touch my face
so I can know
that you've seen me

because I feel invisible

you make me crazy
in ways I can't understand



walk me out into the desert
to the place where silence
becomes a palpable thing
and I can forget the mirage.
what I want is an illusion
so I let go

I am more than transitory
I am the thunder boiling the blood
in your veins
the lightning that splits the sky
the rain that hammers the sand
and I am the relentless heat of the day
that makes the flood a reality.
I am more than fire
I am everything.

in my head my fear is screaming.
in my heart despair reigns.
I want something made of flame
and unrelenting truth
but I cannot continue to bleed
for this

I will continue to burn
to light my own path.



the wind pulls your name
from my lips
hands open
releasing this
to the ether.
fucking over this.
no explanations
only silence.
if it's my fault
I don't care.

not anymore.


letting go.

it's as easy as breathing:
letting go
of the idea of you.