i am a ruin
behind me burns the fire
i've lit with my own heart
i feel nothing
and everything
and i know that this will pass
like water
like time

like life.

i choke on my shame
drowning in it
blood fills my mouth
as i bite down on my wayward tongue.
i am worth more than this
the indifference.

i burn this shell
the weakness that has been exposed.



within the silence
i know this kingdom.
its cold archipelagoes
and bright stones
it fills my whole consciousness
with strange communion
and a deep assurance of broken wings.
if only we could forget.
forget me
i am transient


i am not
the ocean.
or maybe i am.
beneath these waves
are a thousand currents
and eddies
tides like landslides
against which you cannot stand.

this is not my fault.
i cannot be anything but what i am
i cannot be less salt
less undertow
less riptide
less deep.
i cannot undrown you.

low tide.

he says
"you are wild"
he says
"you are the ocean.
your currents pull me under
and I cannot breathe"
but he smiles as he says it
and he says
"I want to drown in you."

I have let my heart break
over things unreal
things unknown
taking blame into myself
until it becomes poison
killing me
tearing me apart.

control is weakness
I want symbiosis
I want truth.

I am real
but not to you.


walk me out into the desert
to the place where silence
becomes a palpable thing
and I can forget the mirage.
what I want is an illusion
so I let go

I am more than transitory
I am the thunder boiling the blood
in your veins
the lightning that splits the sky
the rain that hammers the sand
and I am the relentless heat of the day
that makes the flood a reality.
I am more than fire
I am everything.

in my head my fear is screaming.
in my heart despair reigns.
I want something made of flame
and unrelenting truth
but I cannot continue to bleed
for this

I will continue to burn
to light my own path.