engine of chaos.


will move past this
one day you will have forgotten
to remember him
to remind yourself of all the ways
you weren’t enough
to drag your nails along the edge of the wound
you knew would never heal.
it will be no more than a scar
faint and fading as time erases everything.
you found your heart
after so long an absence
and in the awful conflagration
you set your soul alight
and now you burn with the wild intensity
of a thousand nascent stars
the world you knew distant,
its former heartaches vague.
you will forget his name
and the hurt you allowed yourself to feel
the shame that sat unchecked
at the secret core of you.
you are so much more than this
each time you let truth burn its name onto your skin
to carve its sorrow into your bones
you become more real
more capable of the freedom that you seek
more able to love
with the bright chaos you hold in check
inside of you.
an engine of chaos
a sea of fire
warmth in the chill of the vacuum.
you will hold the center
until it is time to
let go.


tell me.

know that i am yours–
you are my heart.
know that every word is built upon
a thousand exhalations of sweet sorrow
you are the pain i am willing to bear–
this is my truth.
this is my perfect grief.
i have always wanted a love like this.
our impossible life globed
by the wicked hands of fate
just know that it is real
as i leave it behind.
i will love you
as you are
as you were
for all we could have been.
know that i will carry this love with me
until the very end.
just tell me
tell me that you love me.


we are drowning
and still we refuse to swim
strong currents take us
and the deep calls out
to deep.
the bitterness of love
still on my tongue
and the wide abyss of hope
ever beneath me
i had started to believe in redemption
i had almost broken the silence.
but now, my friend, at the moment of departure
i have neither the courage
nor the will
to say goodbye.

what are we holding onto, love?
what part of me is left that is not yours?
i have gladly given it all
expected nothing
demanded nothing
because i know the bitterness of freedom–

no one can stay.


i will hold the centre
until my hands bleed
and still entropy and atrophy
will take everything.
i’m not sure who i have become—
i don’t recognize this face
when i’m alone—
but she is lovely
and kinder than i’ve ever been.
i don’t want to be
me before you
but i can’t seem to stop
the bleeding.
tired of love
and the loss that follows
sick with disappointment
and the brutal emptiness
of exposure.
i’ve chosen this.
and it will not break me.
but i am losing ground
and poisoned by hope.